Here with Hannah, Abi, and Noel

Sorry I haven't blogged lately. I'm here at the university of Louisville hangingn out with Hannah Abi's sister. Blake's t high speed again still on for his surgery in Michigan Feb. 4th we're going to leave Jan. 31st. Blake's doing better we're just trying to keep him stable til his surgery we've been discharged since the 6th. We'll I'll upload some pics now that I've got high speed here.

We're here at Kosair again

I called an ambulance because I was by myself and it was 5:30 in the morning. I don't like going with Blake by myself to Louisville. I have to be on the interstate 90% of the time. There's no where when you're going over a doube decker bridge at 70 mph to pull over and put nasal cannulas back in your squirmy infants nose. I would have hit rush hour right past the bridge, too. So his bnp was 492 (a normal number is between 5 to 100) last week when Blake was admitted and having cold sweats his bnp was 2052 it when down to 1450 then back up to 1650s then by dischage it was 1090. So that's good that's going down now they think that his cold sweats his solo related to his feeds. They changed his schedule when we when home now where working on a different one, because obviously that one wasn't working well either. They believe he's not getting enough blood to his gut so he's not digesting well. He's still retching like crazy, too.

Thank you all for your supportive committs. My last blog I kinda was a tad emotional, I know I sounded selfish I don't feel selfish really I just feel overwhelmed and confused. But it's nice to unload to everyone here I don't feel judged. Well my dad's here to give me a break. I know that sounds nice and it is. I just always feel so rushed on these "breaks" my parents want me back in three hours yet they urge me to get home and take a nap. By the time I go home get something to eat take a quick shower well I don't feel like lying down for 40 min or so. I know I'm picky and selfish I should be glad for the breaks I'm just so rushed in feels like a job to take a break :) Well if I get a chance after my break I'll attempt to read everyone's else's blog.

The Plan so far

So we'll be heading to CS Mott Children's Hospital in Michigan Thursday, January 31st. The next day we'll go to the Cardiologist for a pre-op then we'll have the weekend off. Then bright and early we'll go in Monday. I'll hand Blake over to the Lion's I mean Surgeon's and hope for the best. I talked to a social worker in Michigan it was late in the day she said she;d help me work out transportation for Blake and she'd call me tomorrow and let me know what she found out.

I wish I could close my eyes and wake up and this was all just a horrible nightmare. I didn't want to watch my babies heart beat inside his chest last time for five days they left his chest open because of swelling. I think about that mental picture alot lately again. It's not fair when they closed his chest he was 9 days old. At that point in his little life he had been sedated more than awake. Before he's seven months old my baby will have gone through 2 open hearts, a gastro feeding tube plus nissen, and 2 caths. . . AND who do I feel sorry for myself. I feel like the big baby latley I walk around listless and numb living inside my head. I know I should enjoy Blake this next month as much as possible. A part of me wants to leap from my depressed body and kick my own depressed butt and tell myself to stop being such a mope. This is so much easier typed then actually done.

I love my baby I know I do. I look at him and think how the hell did I help create something so heavenly. But sometimes when I'm preparing milk that will go in a bag instead of a bottle or when I have to untangle heart monitor cords and oxygen lines just so he's not so tangled he'll reach the changing table I wish I could pull out a remote that would pause the whole scene. I'd take one last look at Blake and run. I'm not saying I feel like escaping all the time but I have moments. Well I'll try to update everyone as I found out more information.
I just hope I'm doing the right thing by going to Michigan instead of staying and letting Kosair do the open heart. The scary thing is absolutely no one can tell me for sure.