Everythings so hard to do

This is extremely hard for me to do. I want to keep on getting to know you and your families I want to keep blogging. But obviously I had planned on blogging about Blake and his adventures through life. Now I can't! Everything is so hard going through the motions of living without Blake suck!!! I hate getting up without Blake, I hate going to sleep without Blake and everything in between. One of the things I hate the most is being in this God forsaken house. Everything screams Blake and it's so awful quit now without his oxygen going. I hate it and I feel like setting the place on fire sometimes! (I know I won't but I do come up with plans of how I would do it and when) I just feel trapped and that somehow leaving it all would make it a tad bit more bearable. And for what I'm about to say next if you disagree you have everyright but please let us just agree to disagree. Because I have every right to feel how I want. I'm mad at God. I feel that it wasn't Blakes time and that he was to busy to help my baby and why did he have to give me the most sweetest child with an awful sick heart. It's not fair. I know God never said everything would be fair. But why can't my life be a little more just? Why? Why don't I deserve a little fairness. I was a good mom, I was a good good mom. Their are so many moms that aren't and will never change why do these moms get to have their children with them for the rest of their lives, why are their kids healthy?

I know I'm pregnant, but I'm not rubbing my belly and talking to my unborn baby like I did when I was pregnant with Blake. I 'm not preparing any nursery or getting exciting and lookinh at all the baby stuff when I go in a store. In fact I AVOID that section of all stores the baby section!!!

I'm jeaous of every mom who gets to hold their baby/child, smell them, talk to them, hear them, and just watch them grow. I deserved to do that with Blake.

I'm jealous, pissed off, sad, and I want to burn stuff!!!!! But I'm also thankful I got to share Blake and our journey with each of you Thanks for being their.