This is extremely hard for me to do. I want to keep on getting to know you and your families I want to keep blogging. But obviously I had planned on blogging about Blake and his adventures through life. Now I can't! Everything is so hard going through the motions of living without Blake suck!!! I hate getting up without Blake, I hate going to sleep without Blake and everything in between. One of the things I hate the most is being in this God forsaken house. Everything screams Blake and it's so awful quit now without his oxygen going. I hate it and I feel like setting the place on fire sometimes! (I know I won't but I do come up with plans of how I would do it and when) I just feel trapped and that somehow leaving it all would make it a tad bit more bearable. And for what I'm about to say next if you disagree you have everyright but please let us just agree to disagree. Because I have every right to feel how I want. I'm mad at God. I feel that it wasn't Blakes time and that he was to busy to help my baby and why did he have to give me the most sweetest child with an awful sick heart. It's not fair. I know God never said everything would be fair. But why can't my life be a little more just? Why? Why don't I deserve a little fairness. I was a good mom, I was a good good mom. Their are so many moms that aren't and will never change why do these moms get to have their children with them for the rest of their lives, why are their kids healthy?
I know I'm pregnant, but I'm not rubbing my belly and talking to my unborn baby like I did when I was pregnant with Blake. I 'm not preparing any nursery or getting exciting and lookinh at all the baby stuff when I go in a store. In fact I AVOID that section of all stores the baby section!!!
I'm jeaous of every mom who gets to hold their baby/child, smell them, talk to them, hear them, and just watch them grow. I deserved to do that with Blake.
I'm jealous, pissed off, sad, and I want to burn stuff!!!!! But I'm also thankful I got to share Blake and our journey with each of you Thanks for being their.
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20 comments:
Whitney,
I am sure posting was very difficult for you. I have checked back every day and I wouldn't have blamed you if you hadn't posted again. You are a very strong and courageous young lady I wish all 3 of my girls could meet you. I think they would learn alot from you. I think it is probably pretty normal to have those feelings about God when you lose someone, especially a child. I think most people just aren't willing to admit they feel that way because they think it is wrong. God knows how we feel whether we share it with others or keep it to ourselves. I hope that you can eventually find some closer and understanding to what you have been through. As far as the new baby I understand how you feel now, but I have no doubt you will be as good a mother to this baby as you are Blake. I say "are", because you will never stop being his mommy and loving him. I just know he is going to watch over you and this baby the same as I know that Scott's son that past away watches over Noah and Grace everyday. If you ever need anything you know where I am. You are forever in my thoughts and heart.
Julie
I know it is hard and you are doing great. GlaD TO SEE YOUR BLOGGING AGAIN i MISSED YOU EVEN THOUGH i JUST SAW YOU... i LOVE YOU ;) xoxo eMMA put a whitney sticker on the map in her toy room on the atate on IN. she talks about you all the time
My heart just breaks for you. I can't imagine how you must feel. I hope that you can find some peace some how. I hope writing at leat allows you to get out the emotions you are feeling and allows you to grieve. You are still in my daily thoughts.
You are totally entitled to feel however you want to feel right now. You and Troy are the only two who understand from a parents perspective what you feel. And maybe you even more than Troy because you are the one who took care of Blake the majority of the time. You will be able to enjoy your baby. If I were you I would have a very hard time too. I know that when you look at this new baby, the baby will remind you of Blake and how much you love him. This baby is a gift too. A gift that you can look at and hold and know that the baby will give you little reminders of Blake everyday. I know that each of my kids are different but I can look at any one of them and see parts of another. I know that if something happens to Abi they will be what gets me through. The reminder that they laugh alike, sleep in the same positions, smile the same, like the same things...it brings me comfort when I think about what could happen. I hope that this baby does that for you, reminds you of Blake even though the baby will be their own person. That baby still has the same DNA from you and Troy, the same that Blake had. He might have had WS but he was still a little bit of both of you. You can always call me for any reason!! I still check the blog a couple times a week to see if you have written.
Love ya,
Noel
Feel what you want to feel. I believe that will help you in the long run. I believe that God knows you and understands your feelings, no matter what they are. That's just my take on it.
I think of you every day.
Big hugs
I also have been checking your blog, so I am glad you updated us; but I totally understand if you don't keep it up. We think about Baby Blake a lot over here and I hope you find your peace.
Whitney, I have been checking your blog all so, I have missed you. I can't even begin to understand what you are feeling. I think you are such a strong woman and I thank you for you honesty. YOu are in my thoughts everyday.
Whitney,
I've been checking back often to see how you are doing. I'm so glad you posted. Thank you so much for sharing you feelings with us - you have every right to feel every emotion you feel. My heart breaks for you - I can't imagine everything you are going thru. I think of you everyday.....
Whitney,
I cant really add much to what the others have already said buti want you to know that i think your feelings are perfectly normal and justified i am so proud of everything that you have done, Blake was very lucky to have such a wonderful mother even though it was for such a short time.
You will enjoy the new baby, and please dont feel bad for not feeling much now - you are grieving. Its normal. You will love this new baby when it comes, until then you must concentrate on healing yourself.
love
Katie
Thinking of you and your family daily. Like the others, I also have been checking your blog regularly and am glad you updated. I can't even imagine what going through something like this does to a person. I too believe you are entitled to feel what you feel. Praying for healing for you.
Whitney - I, too, think of you and Blake often. I wish I had wonderful words of wisdom for you, but all I have to say is that you ARE a good mother and God is taking care of you. Even when you don't think He is there. I continue to pray for you and your family as you continue this very tough journey after losing your baby. If you want to, keep on blogging. We are all there to support you.
Whitney, you are absolutely right. It is not fair. You did your best for Blake, and it is difficult when you think about all the undeserving mothers out there. I don't understand why God would do that either.
I am not the most religous person. But I do believe in a greater power. I believe that life goes on even without our body. It is the time you did have together that counts. He's such a lucky guy to have such a wonderful, caring, loving mother.
I can only imagine how you feel. I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. Blakes presence in our world was amazing. He touched so many lives and changed our lives forever. Not many people can say that about themselves or their kids. If it helps any, Please know that there were times when I did not appreciate Caleb like I should have. I didn't know about WS. I didn't know how happy I should have been that he was born healthy. THere were times when I was downright mean to him. Blake's life has changed me in that way. I will never take Caleb for granted, EVER again. Your baby Blake, changed me forever. I think about you all everyday. I hope you can find peace in your soul and with this baby. Next time you go to the store, walk into the baby section. Pick something out for the baby. It will be hard, but it will be a new beginning. One little step toward healing. Stay strong Whitney, Much love to you and your family and of course to Blake our little angel.
Hi Whitney, I know I don't know you and I can not imagine your pain. But I think posting is cathartic, even if you want to say things that others may not agree with. Pour out your heart and your soul and do so without an ounce of guilt. You have every right to feel angry. And though it's hard to imagine that you will come through this stronger, you will. And your unborn child will help you. You are stronger than you think. If you decide to continue posting, I think you'll find a lot of support here. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Edna (Carriella's mom)
Happy belated birthday to Blake.
Thinking of you.
Noel
Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you. Always in my prayers.
Julie
Thinking of you all. praying for healing. Hope the newest addition to the Hill family is coming along nicely :)
I just wanted to let you know that I think about Blake, you and your family everyday.
Anna
Hi Whitney,
I am thinking of you and your family.
Camille
Hi Whitney,
Just wanted you to know I think of you often.
Laura
Hi Whitney,
I don't know if you check your blog anymore to receive this comment, but I think of you and your family often and hope you are doing ok.
--Camille
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